Understand Rather Than Be Understood #3
Shifting from needing validation to prioritizing understanding means loosening ego and identity attachment, slowing down defensive interpretations, and allowing reality and other people to influence how you see, feel, and respond.
Understanding requires enough humility to temporarily loosen my attachment to my own perspective long enough to receive reality beyond myself accurately. It means being willing to pause my internal story so I can actually see, hear, and feel what is in front of me—not just what I want it to be or what I’m afraid it might be.
Often, my mind seeks validation first. It wants to be told it is right, safe, justified, or okay. Before anything else, it wants to know that its version of events is the one that stands.
It wants to defend itself, explain itself, justify itself, or emotionally protect itself before fully listening, observing, or understanding what is actually happening. That can show up as interrupting, mentally arguing while someone is talking, rehearsing what I’m going to say next, or silently building a case in my head instead of actually taking in new information.
In that sense, the desire to be understood can quietly become attachment to ego and identity rather than openness to awareness. “Please understand me” can turn into “Please confirm that my current identity, story, and interpretation don’t have to change.” It stops being about mutual understanding and becomes about protecting who I think I am.
Once my main focus becomes protecting my own interpretation, my ability to honestly receive information often decreases. I start selectively hearing only what supports my position. I minimize, distort, or ignore anything that challenges my self-image. Reality becomes something I manage and defend against instead of something I’m in honest contact with.
In the past, I think I sometimes listened through emotional filters of pride, defensiveness, old mentalities, or the need to protect how I saw myself, instead of slowing down enough to fully understand before reacting internally. I would hear a comment as disrespect when it might have been concern. I would hear feedback as an attack when it might have been information. My internal reaction came first; understanding came second, if at all.
Those emotional filters were often automatic. I didn’t consciously decide to be defensive or prideful; it was just the way my mind had been trained to protect me. Old street mentalities, survival thinking, and identity built around toughness or control made it feel dangerous to really listen. If I let something in, it felt like I might lose power, status, or safety.
But in recovery, I’m learning that understanding requires psychological openness. It means being willing to let new information actually land, even if it challenges my old patterns. It means allowing myself to be influenced by reality rather than trying to force it to fit my existing narrative.
It requires sufficient awareness to recognize that my first interpretation is not always the most accurate. That first emotional hit—anger, shame, fear, or hurt—might be a signal, but it is not the full story. I have to be willing to question it: “Is there another way to see this? What am I not noticing? What might this look like from the other side?”
This connects directly to “one day at a time” because genuine understanding usually requires slowing down rather than emotionally rushing toward reaction, certainty, or control. One day at a time is not just about time; it’s also about pace. If I move too fast internally, I default to old interpretations. When I slow down, I give myself a chance to see more clearly and respond from awareness instead of pure emotion.
It also connects to “jailing it,” because old street mentalities, defensive identity structures, and survival-based thinking patterns can quietly prevent openness, trust, and honest understanding from fully developing. Those patterns were built to keep me safe in environments where vulnerability felt dangerous. But in recovery, those same patterns can keep me locked inside my own head, unable to receive reality as it is now.
“Jailing it” for me includes noticing when I’m slipping back into those automatic defensive modes—assuming bad intent, reading disrespect into everything, or needing to win every interaction—and then consciously containing that pattern instead of letting it run the show. That containment creates space where understanding can actually grow.
So for me, “understand rather than be understood” means becoming willing to loosen attachment to ego and old identity long enough to actually receive reality more clearly. It means letting go, even briefly, of the need to be right, to be seen a certain way, or to have my story validated, so I can make honest contact with what is really happening between other people and me, and between me and my own life.
Today, I’m trying to listen more openly instead of automatically filtering everything through defensiveness, pride, or emotional reaction. That looks like pausing before I respond, asking clarifying questions, and checking my own assumptions: “Am I hearing what they’re actually saying, or just what my ego is reacting to?” I’m practicing choosing understanding first and letting the need to be understood come second.
